Moorefleck's Review of Vengeance Quest

Here are Moorefleck's comments on Vengeance Quest. My replies are in italics. He reviewed Vengeance Quest when it was in six or seven large chapters, rather than the more managable chunks it's in now.

I just started VQ, got to chapter three, I think. I like it so far- and I think it's better then Triss! Ha ha ha ha! No, really. I'm not lying. I'm an honest creature. Anyway, I just have a couple of comments on the beginning sections. What the heck are you thinking about when you describe your characters *glares*? Weasels have black eyes, not reddish brown, or whatever it was you said. Wolverines do not have red, flat eyes, unless you have Longclaws a red-eyed beast. And is he supposed to be solid black? If not, fix his coloring. Wolverines are dark, grizzled brown, with yellowish patches down their sides. And they have black claws, not white claws. I get so annoyed when creatures that are not supposed to be different are portrayed wrong! (I understand you have Goldentail a different colored foxsquirrel)

Good work on everything else. I like your emotional pull and Riala. I only have a few more comments. You use the words "hate" "child-like innocence" and "sliced" way too much. For describing battle scenes, please try and find other words for "sliced". Hate may be what you're bringing out in your squirrel, but the use of that word so much is annoying beyond belief. Other than a couple misused words (you said explained instead of exclaimed -at least I think you meant exclaimed- a few times), your writing is good. By the way, italicize the name of the pirate's ship. (Blacktooth)

As soon as I read the rest of your story, I'll offer you my comments. Good work, keep it up!

P.S. The reason I haven't read the rest of it because I have to print it out, and my mother would not be happy if I used up her brand new printer cartage on your story! I have to print it in chunks, you know? (Besides, I don't like reading stuff on the computer for very long.)

Chapters one through three... yes. I keep telling people they're not good chapters; glad someone actually noticed. ^.^ My excuse is that I wrote those chapters three to four years ago. 8th and 9th grade. They suck and I know it. Especially the first one; I was reading over it yesterday and wincing as I did so.

As for the character descriptions...actually, mustelids tend to have sorta red-black eyes, if I remember right. Red-tinged black. And yes, he's supposed to be solid black; also, I do know what wolverines actually look like. I thought up the characters in VQ about five years ago or so, when I was in 6th grade--I haven't really seen fit to change their physical description much. And I've been meaning to change Riala to a red squirrel--just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Thanks for pointing out the repetition...that's something I hadn't noticed and no one else had pointed out. Helpful criticism like that is a good thing. Thankee! ^.^ Can't say it'll be edited though; as I said in my earlier post, VQ's more a documentation of my progress as a writer than anything else.

Looking forward to your comments on the rest of it; my writing actually becomes reasonably tolerable in chapters 4 through 6. ^.~

Well, that's good. I printed out some more of VQ, and I'll read it soon. I can understand writing something that bad when one was younger- I'm guilty of that too, and belive me, you do not want to see mine! No, mustelids do have black- brownish tinged if a light is shone into their eyes, yes- but not red. Riala as a red squirrel would be good. I'll pretend you've already changed it. Actually, I didn't think the first three chapters were THAT bad. I'm excited since you say it's a lot better in 4-6! And you'll get more comments as soon as finish more, and get on the Web.

[later...]

Okay, I really don't know where to begin. I finished your excellent story, and now all I need to do is organize my pages of notes and relate my impressions, comments, and whatever else to you. *sorts through pages of lined paper covered with ink* Let's start at the beginning- gosh, what a concept, the beginning!- which will be chapter three. I already gave you a few comments on chapter one and two... right? Okay, so here we- um, I- go.

Overall, I really (overemphasis on that word, by the way) liked Vengeance Quest. Riala is a welldrawn character, and I like her. (I'll say this now, though I'll go
into detail about it later: you have great bad guys in your story!)

About Chapter Three:

It was better than the first two chapters, good action and description. I loved Zarok- even though he only came on stage for a few pages. I like the foxes in your writing!

The hares were not bad, but their accents were a little overdone. Well, what I mean by that is they all seem to use th', f'r, and other... um *thinks rapidly for the right word* clipped words, slang and phrases over abundeantly. One or two of them doing this would be fine, but all? It got a little annoying after a while. I think having one or two hares use th' and f'r would be okay, while perhaps others add an 'h' to words beginning with vowels, while yet others only clip the g's and say wot wot. I understand you were trying to make the hares sound... well, harish, but they sounded a bit too much alike to me. Of course, this is only my opinion. But what I didn't like was when the badger lord started doin' th' same as th' 'ares! Most of the time- after his introduction- he used proper... um, speech patters (for the lack of the phrase I want), which made his opening lines extremely annoying. Otherwise, the scenes at Salamandastron were interesting. *fidgets, wanting to get to chapter six...*

Um, Riala seemed to take offense in earlier chapters at being called anything but her name, but the hares repeatedly called her 'treejumper' and 'brushtail' and whatever. (I forget exactly what they called her most of the time.) Seems t'me that she 1.) didn't notice or 2.) didn't care, which also seems a bit odd. Otherwise her character seemed consistant thus far. I like her. A lot.

I liked the bad guys in this chapter. (Like 'em better in 6, but more on that later...) Zarok (like I've said) was good. I like his weapon. I like how he talked- blunt, and to the point. Fianlly a baddie that justs admits he would execute any prisoners if he won! I kinda wish he'd had a bigger part- maybe that's just how I say I like your secondary characters and walk-ons. I've been wondering... why do your baddies refer to themselves as vermin, when the words is naturally an insult? Seems to me that they wouldn't use it so lightly. And that ferret in the end of the chapter, I liked her as well. Hmmm... what else *glances at notes, paws through them* Oh yes. Battle. I liked how you portrayed the duel.

Oh, the toads were funny... I liked that part! King Wot's-His-Name... heh, he was good. And Riala's goadings were funny as well.

About Chapter Four

You were right: the writing improves a lot in chapter four. I enjoyed that section a great deal. I'm impressed with the way you use words, portray the characters, etc. I felt bad for Riala when she got beat up (or maybe beat is too mild a term...) by that rat, Muddclaw. (Frightening weapons... it's a good thing Riala's broken ribs didn't puncture vitals...)

Again, having so many of your characters use f'r is distracting. Okay, and about the word obsidian. It's good choice, but you use it twice, and a little two soon. (This may just be me, but when using such words, a little more space would make it have more
impact.)

Okay, question: What is it with 'red-brown' and other colored browns in eye color, especially with your mustelids? You seem to have a fondness for using this... when they have black eyes. (I think I pointed this out earlier to you...) I'm a nitpicker today (and most always) so I'm going to point out some inconsequential things I noticed. You said 'weasel' once when referring to the male rat that attacked Riala, and called Longclaws a female. (I know someone pointed out the last fault before- I'm just pointing it out again! Naughty me...)

Okay, and this next thing is absolutely inexcusable. Foxes are vulpines, NOT mustelids! When Riala first smelt Shadow, you said "the acrid scent of mustelid sent Riala's hackles on end. Fox...!" Sorry, but that mistake I cannot overlook. It may have just been a typo, and if it was, I'll forgive you.

Shadow de Vulpes, I like her. Compliments to whoever created her (and for whatever changes you made... you get a pat on the back. Er, how about the paw?) I like the other characters you've used as well. You have a knack for bringing secondary characters to life.

About Chapter Five

The writing was good, engaging action... well done. I like Malaya... though it would be nice if her speech mannerisms were consistent. (I may be wrong, but it sounded to me as if her way of talking fluctuated...)

Okay, now you have so many female characters in a lot of scenes that using the pronoun 'she' so much is bordering on confusing. No offense, you handle it fairly well, but sometimes I think you're referring to a different character until she speaks or does something. This is especially... um, well, not really awkward, but almost, when Riala and Mayala are in the same scene, by themselves, and are only referred to as 'she' or 'the squirrel' (until you start using older squirrel and youngling). Using a character's name a little more often is certainly not a fault. (Though using a name less often may be your preference in writing- I don't know. It isn't bad, of course, but if you're aren't careful, it could be very confusing.)

Another thing: you seem to start using combined words a little much (i.e. nightoak, startouched, etc.). Once in a while it would be a very nice touch, but when you use such words a lot it's kinda distracting from the story. Again, that's just my opinion, others may love it, but I think I would prefer to see it less often than more. But it's your story- these are just my comments and perceptions of your work.

Okay, now the section near the end of chapter five... with the stoat. (Is it Skyfire?) I can fully see Riala doing such a thing... to a stoat, anyway. You seemed to hint at it in her character- besides her hate for vermin and callousness towards them- the torturing part. What Riala did made her seem more vivid (hmm, that may not be the word I want)- the ruthless aspect of her, and the fact that she could do such a thing without remorse, made her even more real in my mind. I felt bad for the stoat, though. I was just thinking, that perhaps- if you revise or have Riala do such a thing again- that Riala should have done more, inflicted more wounds, whatever, than she did. Though I'm sure the cause of death was from loss of blood and pain, it would seem more believable if Ri had really tortured the stoat. (Cut her more, or something. You know, once she had most of the information she wanted, she could have stabbed the stoat low in the midsection- a wound there would kill a creature, but slow enough so that Riala could still get whatever info she wanted. It would also be evidence enough of the stoat's demise.)

I liked that scene... in a rather macabre sort of way. But I really liked Shadow's reaction and Brook's confrontation with Riala. That was very well done.

I greatly enjoyed chapter 5, Snowspine.

About Chapter Six

This chapter was by far my all time favorite. I LOVED it! Your baddies are some of the best I've ever seen in the realm of Redwall (soooooo much better than Brian's.) Kiern was my favorite, but I liked the rest as well. That stoat captain was superb! (You aren't gonna kill him too soon... or at all... are you???) I've got a new view about Nightdeath as well... A question about your wolverine: why do you keep referring to him as "the Longclaws"? (Some of the characters called him that too...) The captains are cool as well. You handled the parts with Darkmoon well... I liked how you shied away just enough to keep the sensuality down. I really admire Kiern, have I mentioned that?

The only real complaint I have on this chapter is the eye-colors of some of the characters. And a few scenes were just a tab bit confusing (nothing serious- I was still identifying with the captains, that's all), but that isn't really important.

Is that all of the chapter, or is there more yet to come?

I say this with total conviction: your sections in the horde are a million times better than anything Brian Jacques has ever down with his vermin. (Seriously!)

Now a question... Do you have plans to write more on VQ? I would love to see more sections with your baddies. I just had so much fun reading it! Congratulations on that (and the rest of the story!)!!!

That about concludes my comments (kinda short, I know). Again, I think you have an excellent story here, one that I would glady see more of. (Did I say I would love to see more with your baddies???)

...wow. That has to be the most in-depth, helpful slew of comments I've ever received. Wow. Thank you.

Okay. Replies. Yes.

Chapter 3: *heh* I have always had a really hard time with hare accents and otter accents. So they all tend to sound alike to make them sound--harish. Thanks for the input there; I'll keep that in mind when I next use hares. Very useful.

As for Firesight's speech--yeah. I figured he might have some similar speech as the hares since he lived among them, but less heavy an accent, so I just clipped off the -g on -ing on occasion and thought that would work. Apparently it didn't...oh well. Experiments fail sometimes.

Riala's offense to being called things other than squirrel? Oops. See, I picked up VQ after a year or so of not writing it. About midway through chapter 3. (Dunno if you noticed a difference in the writing style halfway through but I did when I reread it; that's where I picked it up again) So there's some things I changed without realizing it and some things I changed because I didn't bother to go back and edit the rest of the story. I'm not planning to edit VQ either--it's a good record of my writing progress and it's not like I'm planning to publish it or anything. So yes. Any comments/ criticism just helps me know what to watch out for in future writing--which is a *very* good thing since fanfiction is mostly a tool for me to help develop my writing.

Anyway! Glad you liked Zarok; he was much fun to write. Mayhap one of these days I'll rewrite my story about Firesight. Maybe. *heh* And the only reason the ferret at the end of the chapter didn't have the horde attack was because I hate writing battle scenes and I was being very lazy. ^^; Shh, don't tell anyone!

Chapter 4: Yay. My writing improved visibly. ^_^ Happy Snowy.

Yes; like I said before, I can't write otter accents. Sowwy!

As for the eye thing--it's a personal preference. I used to have mice and they *did* have red-brown or red-black eyes. It was like black or brown eyes with a sheen of red over them. Dunno what it is; maybe it has something to do with how they can see at night or something. 'Cos they're nocturnal and all. But I'm sticking to my red-brown/black eyes. So nyah. =P*

As for the fox thing...yes, someone pointed that out already. Dunno *what* I was thinking when I wrote that--maybe I wasn't thinking. I *know* foxes are vulpines, not mustelids; maybe I was half asleep when I wrote that. Meh.

Chapter 5: Yeah, you're right about Malaya. Her speech patterns were very difficult to write. They have a sort of rhythm that I have to be in the right frame of mind to write correctly. I wasn't careful enough through chapter 5 when I was writing her dialogue and so it fluctuated. Was hoping no one would notice. Silly Snowy. ^^;

Oh, fwah. You noticed the overuse of pronouns. Drat. I realized when I was writing it that it was a little confusing, but I hate using names too much. And when a scene gets intense then I tend to drop names altogether. That's fine if I just have a male and a female character; but it's waaaay too confusing when I'm using two males or two females. I really need to work on that, and I'll certainly be more conscientious of that in the future. Thank you for pointing that out.

As for the combined words--yes, I'll agree with you there. It was a phase I was going through, something new I was trying, when I was writing chapter 5 (and some of chapter 4, I think). An attempt to be more lyrical and more purple but I wasn't consistant enough and it didn't work. Didn't work with the overall tone of the story either; Riala's not a poetic character. I do think it worked in Stolen Song (a short story I wrote), but I'll agree with you that it doesn't work very well here.

Yay! Another person who guessed it was Skyfire! ^.^ Yep, you're correct. And again, I'll agree with you that there weren't enough wounds inflicted to kill the stoat that quickly. I was rereading VQ the other day and noticing that as well. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

Chapter 6: Fwee. ^.^ I like chapter 6 too. Is much fun to write. Don't worry, Kiern won't die anytime soon... not going to tell you any more than that though.

"The Longclaws" is almost a sort of title for Nightdeath. His full name is Nightdeath Longclaws, after all, so many just call him the Longclaws. Nightdeath is too informal--few can call him that without seeming disrespectful.

Glad you liked Kiern; he's supposed to be easy to like and respect. Just wait till I twist him though... *bwahah* All of chapter 6 is a balancing act; very difficult to get characters just right. I may or may not succeed; we'll have to see once the chapter's finished.

Chapter 6 is nowhere near finished yet. It's barely getting started, actually. It might just be the longest chapter yet, and then I'll have another chapter focusing on Riala and Malaya (maybe switching back and forth from Kiern to Riala, who knows?) after 6 is done.

I don't suppose I could beg you to critique Stolen Song...? I'm thinking of rewriting Stolen Song so it has no elements of Redwall in it and so it's better than it is and then submitting it to a magazine of some sort. Criticism would be much goodness for that. ^^;

Ohhhh, yes! You're making me excited. More of chapter six? Bring it on! I'm sure I'll love it. Sorry it's taken me ages to get back to you about this, but... my story of absence is long, and you probably don’t care to hear it. Anyway, I'll read Stolen Song and critique it for you- but don't expect it any time soon. (But then, if I can get some time, it may be sooner than you thin...) I read the newest addition to VQ- and I liked it- and I'm glad you'll have this a long chapter. I like long chapters. Maybe becuase I write them (in my own work).

I have noticed improvement half way through- a very large definite improvement. Didn't I mention that in my critique? Hmmm... ah well, I probably forgot. I think your story will keep getting better and better as you write more on it. (And give us some more cool villains and horde scenes!) Ah, I see how "The Longclaws" would be sort of a title, but you may want to explain that. I dunno, it's up to you.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou for not killing Keirn too soon. (Sorry if I got the spelling of his name wrong- yes, I don't feel like getting up, sorting though piles of folders to find your story to check his name spelling.) You know, (and I've said this) you make some of the best villainous characters I've ever read about. Speaking of Keirn, that guy is having a creepy influence on me. I was talking with some friends, and we were trying to figure out this name of this one guy we'd met a while ago. The first thing that popped into my head (since his name isn't that common) was Keirn. And I said, "Oh, his name's Keirn." (Which it's not, obviously) And then I wondered where the heck I had gotten that name. See? You're characters are embedded in my mind! Whatever next???

Will 6 be all about the bad guys, or will Riala appear sometime? Just wondering. I would think a chapter all about the villains would be great. Oh yes...

Yep, chapter six is only about the antagonists. No Riala at all save for a mention or two like in the first part of the chapter. Dunno when I'll update again though; have not been able to write for looooong time. But I've got part of the next scene written, so maybe.

Thanks for the offer (of a critique); I'll take you up on it sometime. Eventually. (That's actually a very scary word.) I like how you pronounce Kiern's name. Very cool. Ooohhh... bad guys, my favorite. More of 'em, yesss... Will we learn more of Kiern and Skyfire's friendship (if you can call it that) sometime? Can't wait to find out.

Ohh yes. Definitely more. It'll be a while but it'll be there...along with some interesting twists. Believe me, there's a pretty weird triangle with Kiern and Skyfire and a couple other creatures who'll remain unnamed for the moment.

Great new section, snow. It keeps gettin' better the more you write on it (VQ that is). Hah hah, so, we have new players in the game, he? A triangle is always more interesting than a line. (Ignore me- I'm being very weird.) Anyway, I'll keep checking up! Can’t wait for more! Hahaha! (I said ignore me- or, if you insist, listen to me at your own peril.)